My Story : 2008 So Called Resolution

Feel like knocking these keypads for few words to write about my 2008 RESOLUTION. I've to admit that I'm a "go with the flow" kinda gal where my life cannot be planned. So why should I have one now? The truth is...I can never keep track of what my resolutions are. As days turn to week and weeks turn to month and then finally months turn to a year, I realised that I'm in a brand new year where I need to get ready with new resolutions so I have an answer when people around ask "what is your resolution this year?". I don't know why this year seems to be different than previous years but I feel like making my own so called "Resolution wishlist" and try to stick to it and monitor the progress. I know I have the drive and some oils to burn but what I need is the map and directions. I got lost so many times before. Too often I reached a place I thought was my destination but ended up being on a dead end where I had to turn around and continue my journey looking for new place. I made few stops but never stay long enough to enjoyed my stay. I switched lanes few times but never find the right speeds to accommodated my inbalance energy.

Last year I was a lazybum...a couch potato...procrastinator or anything with the same meaning. Too lazy to work because I was having a syndrome called "WIOES" an abbreviation of "working in Office environment sucks" and I have a phobia of attending interviews that I called "Jiilpita-phobic" or "Job Interview is a pain in the ass". I need a shrink to tell me whatto do because deep down inside I know I have a problem to cope but can't admit. Everytime I went for interview I panic, sweating, shaking and mumbling during interview session. Then after the interview I wished I didn't get the job for all the wrong reasons...I don't like the job, too far, too difficult, too boring, too many malays, I have no experience, environment not interesting enough...ect. I've been wasting my time dreaming and wishing for something but doing nothing. I'm too afraid to take actions. Scared that I can't finish what I started. Too chicken to give myself hope and worried about dissapointing those around me with my plans. People around are more concern about me than I am concerning about myself. I need help...I do. I can't move forward until I can resolved this matter.

So here is my first and foremost resolution : To help myself finding my inner self to build confidence and gain back my self esteem that somehow had left me not long ago. Everything has to start from the inside. I wanna be a better muslim, a better daughter, a better relative, a better friend...to sum up as a BETTER PERSON.

Reading back what I just wrote made me wonder...What the heck was I rambling about. I love using metaphores so I may sounds like a philosopher...but aint we all when it comes to life? You might not understand what I'm saying coz sometimes I don't either but I just feel great pouring all my thoughts here.